This digital camera I received for Christmas in middle school has also met me at 30 years old.
I write a lot about grief but that was never my intention.
I write a lot about grief but that was never my intention. I am always writing about growing up, growing old, navigating being 30 years old, and trying to find my way back to myself. Along the way I am grieving the loss of loved ones- the friends who inspired me, the friends who’ve abandoned me, and what I thought life would be like for a shy kid with big creative dreams but was too quiet to ever speak them into existence. In some ways I worry that the things I choose to share come off as criticism to my family that I love, but I know the great privileges I’ve been given. After all, what’s the purpose of a journal blog if I don’t overshare every now and then?
In many ways, my family was what you envisioned in a holiday movie- big, loud, always someone yelling or laughing when everyone got together.
Christmas mornings were just us though. Mom always had a camcorder and recorded us opening all of our presents. With a smile at dad, at my sisters, mom and dad would sip their coffee with 24 hours of A Christmas Story playing in the background. I unwrapped one of two gifts. The first present I opened was an SD card so I already had an inkling about what gift number two would be. “I knew it!”, I exclaimed as I opened my first digital camera. I think it was a privilege that even with four kids in the home, my parents were always able to make Christmas special for each of us.
This was in no way my first camera, but it was my first digital camera that was a name brand just like one my mom had. My cousins were always getting iPod touches and cell phones for Christmas, but their parents would yell at them and tell them Santa wasn’t real when they were upset with them. My parents bought me a digital camera that I kept almost 20 years later. It’s important to mention this so you too can envision how hard my parents worked to be good parents, even if the people around them couldn’t be. That’s one of the reason our same-age cousins don’t talk to us often and when they talk about us it was always Carlos and Renee’s kids are so spoiled.
I remember when this digicam was considered so new. I took a drive with my mom to visit her aunt and uncle and when we arrived my cousin Steven and Mark and Uncle were having a bonfire in the yard. They put cardboard boxes in a pile and lit them on fire. I went to the car to get my camera and when I came back my uncle was surprised to see something so new, said he thought for sure I’d pull out some old school yuppie camera, but this was fancy and new.
I always brought it to pizza shop hangouts and mall walks with my friends. I brought it to every birthday party I was invited to and got away with occasionally bringing it to class. I took photos like it was my job.
I remember when this digicam was considered outdated and I became a little embarrassed. I kept this camera up to high school because when you have a good camera you really keep it forever. As a middle schooler I was quiet and disconnected but by the time I made it to sophomore year of high school I wanted to be a part of everything and know everyone and I joined the swim team too. During swim season, that’s almost all there was. Practice after school and on the weekends. Change what you eat and how you dress, change how you shave… but I made friends and I had a really good coach and for a long time that was such a big part of my life. Finishing conferences was always a relief, and ending season was always followed by lots of selfies in the locker room mirror and on deck. I remember as I was leaving, I asked my coach if he could take a photo with me. “Yea of course, where’s your camera?” I handed it to my friend Elise to take our photo and he seemed surprised. “Oh, I thought you were just going to use your phone, I didn’t realize you had an actual camera.”
Since when did everyone else start calling their phones cameras, and was I the only one who still had a flip?
I retrieved this camera along with a few other old ones from my childhood room a few years back and when I moved into my current apartment I unpacked them. Some didn’t work at all, but this one needed a replacement internal battery. That arrived in the mail last week and I’ve been using it to document my life as it is now. The camera I was given as a Christmas gift in middle school has also gotten to meet me at 30. When I pull it out to take a photo in public, I feel a little silly, but no one thinks it’s weird or outdated. They think it’s cool. Funny how things change.
Here are some recent photos I’ve taken on my childhood digicam:
